Which would you say was more appropriate?

Why are you asking which would be better when there is no going back in time anyways? You need approval from others to function because you loathe guilt. Most of us do, so you are not alone. But if you are second-guessing your decision to waive the funeral in lieu being at her final birthday, here is one thought. Funerals are just a ceremonial response to death - an exercise in respect and a way of saying goodbye to loved ones. A funeral is the first step to closure for the living, but offer nothing of value whatsoever to the deceased. Choosing to see your mom on her birthday was certainly more useful to her than you going to her funeral. If you cannot afford to go to her funeral, then you can't go. Don't second guess it if the choice isn't there anyways. However, if you are able to raise the funds to go to her funeral (much less $ if going alone, taking a train/bus and staying with relatives) you should go. Not for her, for you. You have a lot of hurt still inside of you, much of it caused by your mom. You need resolution in YOUR life, and if you don't go to say your goodbyes, you may not get the closure that you need. Because until you start the process of closure, you cannot begin the process of forgiveness. If you are able to truly forgive your mom for the many ways that she wronged you, you will find the strength and resolve that you seek with more ease. If you just are nor able to afford the trip for her funeral, have your own gathering of your own, in your own house, or by the ocean or a river, maybe with other people in your town who know her (or just a a few good friends). Say your goodbyes in this way. It's all the same, when she's gone, she's gone. It makes no difference where her remains are. It's her spirit that you are there to celebrate after all. Just an idea. Best of luck to you. Wishing you strength and healing.